Wake Me Up Please

I just wish that I didn’t decide that fast. Everything would’ve been different.

I won’t be far away from my family and face things alone.

I won’t be doing these endless tiring chores Monday until Sunday.

I won’t be able to hear those lies and feel the indescribable pain of losing one’s trust.

I don’t need to manage everything just to keep things up.

The level of happiness I am feeling right now does not even equate to the feeling of tiredness, disappointment, sadness, and hunger that I am experiencing from day to day.

Maybe this is all the payment for all the hurtful words that came out of my mouth before. If only I could return back time, I shouldn’t have said those and pay the price.

I feel so tired, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually right now.

How I wish someone would save me from all of this. How I wish I would wake up from this very long dream. How I wish I find back my happiness and peace.

If only I didn’t thought about revenge and decided that fast, things will be different.

Hope in Her

I had a thought moments ago.

“What if there is more to know? What if there is a lot more?”

“Should I still listen to it?”

“Could I handle it?”

Then thoughts about death came in.

“Is death only of the physical body? Or is it possible with just your mind?”

Maybe that’s what the bible says.

Maybe I am still far from that, but I wish that in case I reach the moment where I’m mentally dead, the precious people in my life would still function well.

That was yesterday.

I hear a cry. It is hers. I come near her to breastfeed her. The only truth that I have in my relationship is her.

I can’t die. I have her now. I want to see her grow. I want to hear her stories. I want to witness her life.

Maybe I’ll have the respect and love that I want this time. Maybe I’ll gain a true friend now.

I just need to get through it everyday. Bless me with the strength to go through it everyday for the rest my life.

There could be hope for my love, not for him anymore but for her.

The Better End

He met her in a time where love is vague. She falls for him and loved him true. He loved her too. It was a trap at first but eventually it became a butterfly. It feels amazing and nice. It feels strong.

Beautiful memories are created. They went on late night dates to a far mountain side just to have dinner. They went on to historical places of the country to have a nice walk and a sweet talk. They went into weddings to celebrate the joy of other lovers.

There were sharing of lunch boxes and stories of the day. There were late night drives after a busy work day. There were passionate kisses at the rooftop parking.

Arguments turn into cute teases. Gifts were given occasionally. It was a magical experience like those on romantic movies.

Suddenly, this romantic story came to an end when some other girl came into the scenario.

“Some other girl” scared her away because she want back what is hers. She scared her badly that makes her distance herself from him.

Her magical world ended. His was uncertain.

Now, “some other girl” ended up with him and they live together.

Years later they met again to clear things up. There were stories of the past. There were question without an answer. There is love that didn’t end.

“Why did you get married?”

“Are you really in love with your new boyfriend?”

“Do you really love ‘her’?”

Do I have the right to know the answer to those questions?


I don’t know but I want to know.


Because “some other girl” is me. Yes, I am the other girl that put an end on a love story.

There is a sad story behind that love story. And the sad story belongs to me.

Every moment they create means another lie for me to hear. Every second they have means another second of loneliness to feel. Everything in her reality was a lie for me to believe.

Thoughts in my mind play in.

“Was it right that I fought that battle?”

“Was it better if I just let go?”

“Am I the happy ending?”

“Or could there have been a better ending?”

The ending without me.

Swimming Chickens and Flying Frogs

“Why did you choose him?”

“Because he is kind.”

I could still remember my dream that day. It was full of love and happiness. I believed that it was a vision from God.

A week after ‘that’ day, I got another dream.

We were lost on another condominium. Then, there were zombies chasing us, he killed them all. Then, there was a cute girl in her shoulders and I was happy watching them.

It did happen.

We got married and has a child.

A week after our marriage, I discovered something that really shake all my beliefs. My reality isn’t real at all. We still tried to fix things. However, there are some broken things that can’t be brought back to it’s original shape again.

We continue on fighting for the same reason. All of the things I like were unreasonable for him. It was never important because it is weird. My logic isn’t logical at all. It kept on going everyday, every week, every month.

It was tiring.

And now, the once ‘broken’ is already ‘shattered’.

It stops. The feeling of being kind, merciful, and forgiving just stops.

If those things are essential in love, would that mean that love is gone?

I’ve hold onto it and continued believing. But now, it feels hopeless.

I once believed that all opposing things can be harmonized if properly communicated and understood. But now, it all goes inside the garbage can. Irreconcilable things are true.

I am now changing my logo in this page. Chickens might be able to swim now, and frogs were able to fly.

For my love for him dies.

Should You Marry Mr.Chatterbox?


Getting Married

I just want to keep my wedding simple. Something like a person that is ordained to perform a legal wedding will bind us. Then, we would be husband and wife.

I am not even sure if we are engaged. I don’t fully understand the meaning of that English word. I didn’t received an engagement ring or a formal ‘Will You Marry Me?” proposal. We just agreed to get married this year.

Simple. Cheap.

It is more of like a partnership agreement. But I’ve never thought that such partnership would be a struggle up to this moment.

I was just thinking about myself. Am I that demanding? Am I not really appreciating things? Am I too bad? Am I too ugly? Ideas don’t match but one thing is for sure. I am not happy about it.

I admit it, that sometimes I envy those youngsters being able to experience how romantic love is. It could have a bitter ending but at least they’ve experienced the sweet side of it, being treated like a princess, beautiful and precious.

In my case, most of the time I feel like I am treated like a… cellphone. Something that you always have the whole day but would only use if it is needed.

In the morning, it would be an alarm to wake you up. If you don’t feel like waking up, you’ll just switch the alarm off then it will stop. During the day, you’ll receive texts and calls from it. Since you’re too busy with your work, those messages would either be read at night, or deleted or, just stored for months. On lucky days, there would be a new interesting game you could download and play using it. But after a few games, it would be of no use again.

It is worse than being a pet dog.

Then the questions keep on coming out again. Am I that demanding? Am I not really appreciating things? Am I too bad? Am I too ugly?

Should I still marry him?


Remembering Mr. Chatterbox’s Tears

Rainbow EyesMost of the time I feel sad about him for a lot of reasons, mainly for the reason of having so little time for me. But I thought that maybe I’m just too selfish for asking too much of his time. Or maybe I’m just too emotional, just as what most girls feel whenever their partner is too busy and occupied.

We still continue to hold and and we still continue to love because that what’s make you happy.. or sad? happy? happy and sad? Well, a mixture of it. At the end of the day I still look for him.

And that what’s make our relationship colorful and worth fighting. It’s hard at some point but we still continue to hold on and hope for the best.

Right now, it’s the ‘happy and cheerful’ me.

I’ve read my past blog and one of it is when I was teaching Mr. Chatterbox to write well. We end up to that situation because he failed on his exam. Then, he had this series of his tears just falling ‘everywhere’  and I need to be a supportive girlfriend.

Well today… today is the anniversary of that event.

And right now, he is back to his gloomy state. I wonder where his tears will fall now. Hehehehe

Last Night

Mr. Chatterbox: “The passing rate this year is 59%” “huhuhuhu” 😦

Me: Zzzzzzz (sleeping because I played too much online game in the morning)


Me: “How are you? Are you still feeling sad?”

After an hour

Me: “Aren’t you checking your phone the whole day?” (starting to get angry but is still keeping my temper) I am so proud of myself!

Mr. Chatterbox: “Hello my love. I’ve checked it. Just talking to another person awhile ago. I’m ok. A bit sad.”

Me: “Don’t be sad about it. Just try and try. Remember, you are great, your handwriting is just the problem.” (^+^)

Mr. Chatterbox: “Ok my love. Thank you.” (He still has the gloomy aura. He doesn’t reply that short.)

Me: “You’re fortunate and you’ve accomplished a lot already unlike me.”

Mr. Chatterbox: “I’m stuck with the exam.” then out of nowhere he has this question..

Mr. Chatterbox: “Did you go somewhere this morning, my love mI” (mI or ml I’m not sure of what he typed pfffff)

Me: “That exam doesn’t mean success. You want to help other people and be happy, right? You could have those things even without passing that exam. Let’s always trust His decision.” now it’s investigating time..

Me: “huh? go somewhere? me? Who is mI? Who is that? A new girl?”

Mr. Chatterbox: “Maybe it’s mobile legends” (-.-) wow and I even warned him not to say those words

Mr. Chatterbox: “It’s typo, You weren’t present this morning.” meeehhh typo? (~_~)

Me: “Early in the morning I greeted you. You’re the one who is always late to greet me. ALSO, I always ask permission wherever I go. It was you who is still outside there three in the morning without me knowing.” sneaky tahahaha revenge time 😀

Mr. Chatterbox: “Oi. Last time, you didn’t tell me that you went on an interview.” (@-@) crap. This sly fox is getting smarter huh!

Me: (^_____^) “Every rule has an exception. I learned that from you. I love you.”

Mr. Chatterbox: “I love you too.”

Discussion over.

Well, I think I’m back to being in love again. Bringing back the old him makes me happy. But seeing the new him makes me feel a bit excited. I just hope this feeling repeats.





And for Mr. Chatterbox, I pray for your success. I’m sure we will beat that exam the next time we face it again. I love you.

Mr. Chatterbox’s 20th Literary Piece : A Lover’s Message


A Lover’s Message

I did my best to contain and control my heart.
For I am very afraid to fail and fall apart.
Yet my feelings for you was so strong.
It keeps on repeating like the chorus of the sweetest song.

It echoes on my mind down to my heart.
In my heart, where you always own a big part.
These are the words that I have to tell you.
So much emotions in me that will always be proud and true.

It will always your smiles that will bring my sunshines.
While your tears will be called my worst times.
For you are the one who painted my life.
The princess who brought away all the strife.

It was a dream come true to have you on my side.
For it was only you, both in my heart and my mind.
It will just be the highest of my hopes.
That our love will stay even at the steepest slopes.

Now your mine and my love is truly yours.
With joy, we will take together the lovers course.
But now let me say the magic word again.
My hon, baby, princess, or with words that are plain.

I love you now, tomorrow, and forever my princess…

December 29, 2008 at 12:31pm by Mr. Chatterbox

Mr. Chatterbox to Mr. Emptybox

Our 7th year anniversary is near. I don’t know what to feel about it. Am I supposed to feel excited and proud about it?

I do not know.

I could still remember that guy going down from that stairs. I could feel that he is happy, proud, and in love. Gentleness and kindness radiates from him. Cheerfulness and politeness is what his smiles bring. You wouldn’t even feel that he is scared because he is actually lost at that moment.

That guy is Mr. Chatterbox.

That guy may not have his horse but he has his shining armor of love. He may not have superpowers but he’s my superman. He is the guy I fell in love with.

I could still remember his call logs everyday. My phone is so lucky to have survived that number of calls.

In the morning, his good morning greetings were earlier than the time I woke up and in the evening I have his good nights.

Then we would take turns on registering to unlimited call promos just to be able to call each other. I’m surprised of how fast he would answer my phone calls at anytime of the day.

During weekends we have our dates. Twice or trice weekly if possible. There was even a time where we ran out of movies to watch on that month because we’ve watched them all already.

On special occasions, we have a day trip. We go to any location we know that seems to be nice and interesting.

Those things happened repeatedly in our relationship. I am happy and contented with it.

Then things started to change after two years in the relationship.

He failed his first bar exam and decided to start working. He started as a paralegal on a manpower agency.

The day he starts to build his career, our relationship made its first step on the rocky path.

His interesting stories were gone and was replaced by complains about the traffic, about the company, about his work load and more.

He could barely say his good morning and good nights. I know that he is tired from work and can’t make those greetings anymore. Goodbye my sweet greetings!

Weekly dates has turned into ‘ever other week’ meet ups. I sometimes wish they’re romantic dates, but nope, just an ordinary meet up.

Then, that mistake happened. I just brush off the memory.

Then those things just happened repeatedly until I learn to accept it. It’s painful but I need to learn to accept it to be able to hold on.

Just hold on and wait.

I waited. I am still waiting.

For what?

For whom?

For Mr. Chatterbox. The man I fell in love with. He’s lost. He’s just lost, not yet dead, just lost.

Right now, I’m with Mr. Emptybox. His twin? His shadow? I’m not sure.

I don’t want to be a two-timer but I need to hold on to Mr. Emptybox just to meet Mr. Chatterbox again.

I can still hold on.

He will return.

He will.

Our 7th year anniversary is near. It will bring back memories. He might return that day. I hope he does. I miss him so much.


Mr. Chatterbox on Mobile Legends


Our fights now have upgraded downgraded upgraded.. I don’t know how to describe it. Before, it was all about texting issues and having so little time with each other. Now, it is about a mobile game.. Mobile Legends.

I could now understand those memes on the internet “DOTA or me” or should I say “Mobile Legends or me”. Those jokes are made just for laughs but I personally think that there is a strong deep feeling behind those words.

Conversation 4 Days Ago

Me: “Have you gotten home safely?”

Mr. Chatterbox: “I’ve gotten home already. Just playing ML.”

Me: “Ok. Sleep well.”

Me: “I think I got a fever.”

Mr. Chatterbox: “Good night. Thanks for your time.”

Huh? What kind of response is that?!!! ‘Good night thanks for your time.’ OK! My temper starts to rise up but I still keep it low.

Me: “My left arm is aching. Don’t you think I’ll be having a heart attack.” I think I just accidentally slept on top of it so the nerves on my arm are aching (^+^)

Mr. Chatterbox: “Just relax and pray.”

Huh? Relax and pray?

Me: “I’m having nightmares. My left arm is aching and I can’t move it. And I could still feel pressure on my ears.” I had an ear pressure because we went to arrange some documents located on a high area and I could still feel it after getting home.

Mr. Chatterbox: “Just relax. It could be a panic attack.”

Me: “What shall I do? I already drank lots of water. Whenever I close my eyes I could still hear you blabbering around and I feel annoyed and scared at the same time. And it is like I just breathe halfway and not a full inhale exhale. And I can’t lift my left arm.”

Mr. Chatterbox: “Just relax.”

Grrrrrr… ‘Just relax’ your face! Then, I received a message from his sister.

Mr. Chatterbox’s Cute Little Sister: “Hi big sis! Is my brother staying there?”

It is 2:30 in the morning. He is not home yet and his family doesn’t know where he’s been. Now, I can’t hold on my temper. I called him.

Me: “Hello.”

Mr. Chatterbox: “Hello.”

Me: “You sound so lively. Where are you right now at this hour?”

Mr. Chatterbox: “I went back to the office to get my charger. I’m just playing Mobile Legends with a co-worker. He’ll treat me for dinner after this then I’ll go home after it.”

Then after that I really got angry, pointing out that he didn’t even bother to tell me the ‘real’ truth and for being up so late for a mobile game! He even defended that he is a big guy now and that it’s fine to go home late. Excuse me?!

I’ve read a book before which says that a man has the tendency to focus on a single activity that he forgets the outside world. I tried my best to understand that idea. But this one is different, it is not about the focus on the game because he really likes it, or that he doesn’t feel me because he is too focused on that game.

This chatterbox is so sly that he has the ability to feel his environment, plan things out, play with his words, do his dirty tactics, and get out of trouble whenever he wants. Kidding 🙂 he is a nice guy with just an itty-bitty sly nature.

Well, all things are settled now. Besides, I love him. I’ll just be smarter than him if that’s what he is.

Letting Go of Mr.C

It was a nice day to go to the wet market. Lots of fresh products to buy including fruits, vegetables, eggs, beans and more. I was looking at them one by one and was amazed with the freshness.

Walking beside me is my mother and my brother. I feel happy being with them but at the same time it’s a bit weird that it has to be in the wet market.

Then, I suddenly realized that I’m in a  different place. There’s a bridge and in that bridge there was this guy. I’ve fallen in love with him instantly.

He held my hand. I didn’t felt surprised that he held me. I was happy. I was just staring at our hands and felt so happy inside. This was the first time someone held my hand.

Then I was suddenly on a train, running. There was this voice asking me “Why did you choose him?”then I answered, “Because he is kind.”

Then I woke up. It was all a dream.

This is the only nice dream I have that I could remember. And I dreamed of it when I was in my first year high school. It was so nice, I could remember the details of it. I couldn’t gauge the happiness I felt while holding his hands. I was so happy that I don’t want to wake up.

I’ve felt this happiness the first two years of my relationship with Mr. Chatterbox. It was so nice, I don’t want to let go of it. I could still remember the time where we had to walk on a mall and the feeling was so magical. It was so full of love.

However, there is nothing permanent in this world. Things change. People change. Even if we don’t want to change, the circumstances in our lives forces us to. Slowly, people change.

The same thing happened with me and Mr. Chatterbox. He took a big leap when he had his career. I am happy for his success. However, that career and the environment he had in it changed him. It changed him negatively. It wasn’t Mr.Chatterbox anymore.

And me? I just followed those changes. I need to change too so I could still be with him. Those changes are painful but at least I’m still with him. The only thing that didn’t change is my hope. My hope is still high that Mr. Chatterbox, the one I’ve fallen in love to, would someday come back. I was waiting for the past 4 years and a half but he never did come back.

Then things started to get tiring. Then everything is so tiring.

I just want to stop and fully let go.